Title: Heaven Help Us: Chapter 7
Warning: There's some swear words in there somewhere! Oooh! And kissing!!
Disclaimer: I don't own the rights to any characters depicted here...
Summary: Frank makes Gerard face up to what is going on between them.
[Heaven Help Us Chapter 7]
Fighting every cell in his body, that fought and roared and tore against him, Frank pulled away from their kiss. Their sweetly intense kiss that clawed and pulled back and didn't want to let him go. Away from Gerard's fingers that couldn't stop their frantic searching across the fabric of Frank's jeans, fingers that would for moments curl despondently around his hips.
It should have been everything he wanted, but everything in this felt wrong, everything in this felt about roar physical need. And somehow Frank couldn't bring himself to have this end as just that once more. He couldn't stand to feel used by someone that meant so much to him, not again.
Finally free of Gerard's disconsolate lips Frank stayed panting uselessly against him, still with those fingers clutching him, his body unbearably close.
Frank registered the moment of panic and rejection that flashed in Gerard's eyes, the alarm as he snaked his arms up and around Frank's waist and pulled him desperately closer.
Fighting the reality and understanding between them Gerard pressed his lips down tenderly against the curve of Frank's neck, that was frozen between compliance and resistance.
Frank squeezed Gerard's shoulders tightly and with his shuddering breath caressing his cheek, he whispered desolately into his ear, "Gerard... This... It has to stop."
Frank had watched Gerard's retreating silhouette, illuminated all around by the light beyond the dressing room door, with eyes that blurred bitterly.
He hadn't wanted for him to go, he'd wanted Gerard to stay and face this.
And standing there with his own heart cradled pathetically in his hands he'd hoped for Gerard to turn around and help him.
Words were lost in the crush in his throat and all he wanted to do was call out to him and explain.
Gerard paused by the door and for moments Frank thought it could be okay, that he would stay and fix this, but he just searched in his pockets, pulled out a woefully crumpled and stained piece of paper and laid it decorously on the seat of the chair by the door.
"I love you Gerard," Frank chocked out. "But it just... It has to be more than this... I want more than this..."
But Gerard wouldn't let him finish, as the door cut Frank's desperation off in one awful bitter slam.
Frank sank to his knees, his cheek cooling against the hard wooden grain of the dressing room's door, his note to Gerard once again clutched disconsolately in his trembling fingers, like a nocuous terrible talisman.
And he just kept asking himself why was it so hard with Gerard, what was it about this that wanted to destroy itself so easily, so completely?
Frank's hurt was an ugly tangible thing crouching within him as he slammed his already scarred fist into the surface of the door he leant against, and the only thing he felt was the relief of a hurt, if only for a moment, that was greater than the one throbbing inside his heart.
Gerard felt the boom and echo behind his head, of a blow meeting with the other side of the door that he leant hopelessly against.
Sitting there he just couldn't figure out what he was supposed to have done, he'd thought it was what Frank had wanted when he'd let go and crashed his lips longingly into his.
And it felt glorious for moments, letting go, giving in; taking what he desired with no thought for the consequences, the shattering repercussions that were bound to come tumbling down. He'd done it and there was just no room for the usual wrenching doubts that had always plagued his mind.
And when Frank had pulled away; the confusion, the hurt, it was like the fiercest blow, it wounded and winded and it took him back to that stage hours before, the eyes of hundreds upon him as Frank turned away.
And then, in that room, when Frank gave him the opportunity to walk away, he'd taken it gladly in many ways. Because staying just felt too hard, too dangerous.
Drowning, choking, in memories Gerard curled himself further into a ball, taking perverse comfort in how small he could make himself; greeting the cool surface of the door as it bit gently against his cheek, the sensation mixing with the warm tear that rolled down and felt like it shouldn't be there encroaching on that moment.
He brought his fingers up and laid them outstretched against the inches of door by his head; and felt stupidly like somehow he was reaching back into the moment he had caught Frank's lips in his own.
"I'm sorry," he whispered to that closed threshold and for a moment he thought he'd heard his sentiment returned, seeping through the crack in the bottom of the door, in total unison, in the low tones of Frank's voice.
Sighing Gerard gathered himself off the floor and let his pride start his retreat down the shadow blackened hall.
And yet as he did he couldn't stop his mind replaying the moment his lips had met Frank's, just how warm they felt; of the sensation of their bodies clashing carelessly, embroiled in an event that made regard obsolete.
He plunged himself so deeply into recalling every second of those events that he failed to hear the door open behind him, didn't register the frantic footsteps drawing closer. Just felt suddenly Frank's fingers wrap recklessly around his arm and pull him back.
And when Frank's lips came up to his own he greeted them in shock and in burning gratitude.
Unabashed and unashamed he pulled the other man tightly against his chest, clutching his back with hands that could only manage to tremble.
And this time when Frank pulled away it was to stare with a soft ferocity in his eyes and to shine up a hope filled smile.
"You know Gerard... Whatever this is... It really doesn't matter... Because I... Christ, I just want you. And I don't care what that means. Just... Fuck... Just say you want this too," Frank implored to him with a tender urgency.
Conflicted Gerard looked away, his mind reeling and racing dizzyingly, he hated himself for the fact that it was so hard to say it. But it just was... Like he'd be weakened for it.
His eyes burning a hole into the cracked linoleum below them he nodded gently, hoped somehow that that would be enough for them both.